Growing is Uncomfortable
I can tell you this for sure: Motherhood is chronically uncomfortable.
There is no mother out there, anywhere, who has mastered the feat of being constantly comfortable in motherhood. There might be women out there who believe that the purpose of life is to be comfortable- to create a life that avoids discomfort and pain and that celebrates safety and security. But these women are still working really, really hard to meet this goal and are undeniably increasing their own discomfort in the process.
Because this is not possible. Motherhood is messy. We are being challenged at our core every step of the way. We worry and we are uncertain and we don’t know what the heck we are doing most of the time.
Imagine this: Two concentric circles. The small one in the center is your safety or comfort zone. Many of us build tall, thick walls around ourselves in an effort to stay in this zone, all cozy and protected. The outer circle, very large, is your danger zone. Many of us feel deep threat in this zone; experiencing panic and fight/flight/freeze responses. In this world, we jump back and forth from safety/comfort to danger/risk, and over time our comfort zone becomes smaller while our danger zone becomes larger. Neither of these two zones serve us. In our comfort zone we are stagnant and bored and unfulfilled and often feel trapped. In our danger zone we are defensive and protective and full of fear.
Safety zone: We often feel trapped, tight, guarded. Our thoughts are filled with “I should” and “ I shouldn’t.”
Danger zone: We often feel ungrounded, confused, tense, and defensive. Our thoughts are filled with “I can’t” and “What if”.
But, in another world, the one we want to exist in, there is actually a circle around the safety/comfort zone that is our “Growth Zone.” When we exist in our Growth Zone we are uncomfortable, but not in a state of fight/flight/freeze. We have a sense of anticipation but not panic. It is in this zone that we learn and grow and change. We want to LIVE in this zone as often as possible. We rest in our safety/comfort zone and we strive to live in our growth zone. Important note: We want to be mindful about entering the danger zone because this place is never useful to us. So, in order to remain in a place of growth and not go into a place of danger, we must have boundaries. We must learn how to say no and take care of ourselves so that we don’t cross over that fine line. This. Takes. Practice.
Growth zone: We often feel anticipation and uncertainty. We notice physical discomfort but we are still engaged. Our thoughts are filled with “I can” and “I trust.” We may feel fear, but we also feel confidence. There is, however, no growth zone when there is no discomfort. If you are feeling comfortable, you are not in this zone.
Ok. Are you following?
So, this week:
Draw three concentric circles.
In the smallest circle, consider what choices you make that are comfortable and safe for you. Remember, this zone is not bad or problematic, as long as you are using it for rest and repair and not defaulting to this place without intention. (EXAMPLE: I am lonely and am really craving more friends, but I am somewhat socially uncomfortable. It is just easier to stay at home and not put myself out there).
In the largest circles, consider what choices you make that are dangerous and a risk to your mental and/or physical health. Are you pushing yourself too much and expecting things that are not realistic for you? (EXAMPLE: I am lonely and want more friends and so I am going to say yes to that invitation to the large gathering in which I know nobody).
In the middle circle, consider what choices you make that create opportunities for new things and can fit inside that growth zone. Can you push yourself enough to grow and learn without putting yourself in a situation that feels too overwhelming? (EXAMPLE: I am lonely and want more friends. I am going to say yes to that invitation to walk with some of the other parents from school drop off, even though I am uncomfortable).
The opportunities for growth are endless: communicating needs, learning a new skill, returning to work, bringing in more play/fun/joy, quitting a bad habit, developing a new habit etc etc.
We believe in you.