I AM OK
Consider for a moment that the opposite of fear might be confidence. Not safety, but confidence.
Most of us, when we are feeling fear, are in a place where we don’t believe that we are ok. We have a sense that we will not survive something that we are faced with. We feel fear in a challenging situation like the loss of a job or a divorce or social pressure or an argument with someone. We feel fear in moments when we don’t understand, don’t know the answer to something, or are incompetent or ineffective. We fear the discomfort that we feel when we are faced with grief or worry or anger. If we really pause and take a deep look, we fear annihilation. We fear death. We simply do not believe that we are ok. We lack confidence that we will be able to tolerate the emotional and physical pain that we are experiencing.
Fear occurs when there is the lack of confidence that we are ok.
If our definition of “ok” is happy and calm and grounded and together then, perhaps, we are right.
But what is being ok means that we, really, are ok even when we are feeling grief or anger or worry or uncertainty. What if we really believed that we could survive the intense discomfort that comes with all of the things listed above? What if we really, truly, believed that we were ok even when things were totally awful. What if way deep down inside we learned to trust our ability to tolerate ourselves and the world around us when shit totally hit the fan?
In moments of distress the mantra running through our minds is almost always “I am not ok.” And this takes its toll.
And, forgive me for getting spiritual or esoteric here. But you always have been. You actually have made it through. Even when things have been horrific and you have felt deep pain you have survived. You are ok.
We can all change this though. Here is how:
Get curious about your definition of “ok.” Is there room for you to believe that even when you feel deep discomfort that you can survive the moment and get through to the other side?
Watch your thoughts in times of distress. Do they lean towards catastrophe and annihilation?
Practice a different mantra as often as you can. I. Am. OK. Think these words while you are walking. While you are doing the dishes. While you are waiting in line. While you breathe in and while you breathe out.
I. Am. O. K.
Too much? Then try this: What if I am actually ok?
I am ok when I go into childbirth and am scared. I am ok when my baby is crying and I don’t know why. I am ok when I am having to go into an uncomfortable conversation with my partner. I am ok when my child is yelling at me. I am ok when I have to make a parenting decision and I have no idea what to do. I am ok when I am scared or when I am sick or when I am awaiting life changing news. In this moment, I am ok.
For those of us who have sustained deep hurt and trauma this is not easy. Most things aren’t. But if you are living in a state of fear and anxiety or deep sadness and depression I suggest you give it a try. One week.
I. Am. O. K.